- 08 Aug 2019, 04:27
Zara took a deep breath, letting the words sink into her skin. A part of her just wanted to throw herself at him regardless, another part wanted to simply nod and walk away from the situation. Neither of those were the right thing to do, and in the end, if she really wanted to keep Ivan by her side regardless of relationship status, she needed to show him the respect he deserved. Despite how painful it could seem.
"I never thought you would end up being so monumental in my life." She spoke, a slight smile on her face. "The things I have told you; things that I have never told anyone, not even my own grandmother. I can practically feel a past version of myself gritting her teeth and looking about ready to knock me out for foolishness." She laughed a little, and then shook her head. Her expression softened a little, and then she looked up to him.
"In every relationship I had after Felix, I jumped straight into the couple stage. We weren't together, and then suddenly we were. But with you...I feel like I've experienced you in every form. Hatred, friendly competition, lust, romance...but I think the most prime one was friendship. Despite the hurt that has come from that night I said those words, that night is still my favourite with you. We didn't have sex, we spoke shit, we didn't go anywhere spectacular. That night cemented everything I was too afraid to admit to myself; an overwhelming rush of emotions for you. I realised that I trusted you with my soul. I told you the darkest part of my past and you accepted it with ease...you told me your own secrets and I respected you so much for just being brave enough to say them, despite the macho persona you sometimes feel you have to hold. That night, I found emotional complexities within you, and within myself because of you. It was the beginning of my revaluation. What to I find the most precious in this world? Who am I? What do I want to be?"
"I don't want to be the stone cold ice bitch any more. I don't want to reject these people that I have grown fond of; I don't want to pretend that I am far better than I am anymore. I am talented, but I'm not untouchable. I am strong, but I still have cracks. And I have guarded my heart vehemently, but that doesn't mean I cannot open it to others. Your men deserve to know the respect they have earned from me. Pryer has come a long way since his first session with me. Reef has become an excellent third. Bowden has refused the pulls of darkness and is his mental peak. Glover is one heck of a woman and I am proud of her despite the way she encourages the men in rudeness. Zherdev is a brave young man and I know that at times it is hard for him to get motivated, but he has an incredible sense of morality. Cleary...Simon has grown into an exceptional assassin; but not only that, he has come to learn that being a lone wolf stops you from developing strong bonds and trust among your team."
"All of this is because of you. You took Watchdogs by the neck and taught them. I am proud of you. Relationship or no, I am completely and utterly enthralled by you. I..." She swallowed, looking away. "I never want to lose you. I will never push you for anything more, or shove you away for your decision. I want what is best for you, and I want to be here for you no matter what. I want you to be happy in everything, even if it hurts. And Merlin, will it hurt. But I want you to know...if you did choose me. If you did trust me with a chance, I...I won't fuck it up. I value you too much as a friend now...I...well, there it is. I should stop talking. I want you, but I want you to be happy more."
She turned away, biting her knuckle as she tried to get a hold of herself.