A Magical Roleplaying Experience 

 #38817  by Aksel Larsen
Location: Vestre Cemetary • Date: May 29, 2024
Time of Day: Noon • Weather: Sunny, but windy

Since moving back to Denmark, nothing had been fun for Aksel. He lived life as though through a grey veil. Nothing was exciting, nothing brought him true joy. Playing Call of Duty with his older brother wasn’t interesting. It felt like Dag only did it out of pity. Even taking care of his pets felt more robotic than anything borne out of actual care. Sure, Perle was the most comfort he had, but the pitbull had more energy and enthusiasm than he felt. And his rabbit only reminded him of Beckham. They’d agreed on Herre Gulerod Rasmusen’s name together.

Walking Perle was one of the only things that kept him from completely crashing. He didn’t allow himself to fall. It allowed him some fresh air. His other activity was hitting the gym. He’d been going every single day since being back in Copenhagen, spending the hours he would otherwise have spent with his husband. He’d fallen into working out like others fell into alcohol, grasping it as though it were a buoy. He was more in shape than ever, but he barely noticed.

He’d received letters from Beckham since arriving at his parents’. Many letters. In the beginning, he hadn’t opened them. He didn’t have the strength. But he also didn’t have the heart to throw them away. He’d secreted them neatly in the dresser drawer of the spare room he now occupied, and guiltily glanced over the envelopes every time he opened it. The last letter he received, though, he found the courage to open, after a few days.

He hadn’t seen Beckham in months. It was eating away at Aksel. He’d done a lot of thinking, but he still wasn’t sure he had a full grasp of the situation. He missed his husband to the point where it physically hurt, but the betrayal hurt just as much. As he let Perle lead him to the meeting spot, feeling both a pull from deep within his navel and his shoes being filled with cement, anxiety was taking hold of him. The cemetery was a popular park for walks, one of the largest in the city.

And yet, when he turned the corner to the tree alley, and saw a familiar silhouette, he felt as if everything else fell away. Nothing else existed.
 #38851  by Beckham Wexler
He had sent letters that had gone unanswered. He had called but had never gotten past his family in law's sturdy barricades. Beckham wondered if they had been told to intercept his calls or if they had chosen to protect Aksel on their own initiative. Either way, he did not blame them.

Many times he had thought about buying tickets to Denmark. From grand gestures to delivering divorce papers, Aksel's silence had made him consider all sorts of scenarios. Despite being terrorized about what was to come, he eventually realized that clarity would be preferable to the unknown.

Wearing jeans, a navy blue shirt, and a newly grown beard Beckham nervously waited. Would Aksel come? Hands in his pockets, the man failed to enjoy his surroundings. Beauty, pleasure, and joy had left him the night he had chosen honesty.
 #38910  by Aksel Larsen
The more he approached, the more his dual feelings strengthened. He wanted, needed to see Beckham, to hold him close, tell him he loved him, but at the same time, he wanted to keep the distance between them, however uncomfortable it was, or run away, and delay this meeting indefinetely. Beckham looked different, with his beard, and certainly less self-assured as Aksel remembered. Then again, the Dane probably looked somewhat different than his husband remembered. With all his spare time spent working out and doing crossfit, he was fitter than ever, and he'd noticed a couple of his t-shirts didn't fit him anymore, especially around the arms. And then, there were the dark bags under his eyes that betrayed his many sleepless nights as of late.

Perle had no dog in this fight, as it were. Picking up the scent of her other father, she enthusiastically tugged on her leash, setting a pace Aksel was forced to follow. Eventually the distance between them closed, and he stood there, some two metres away, scratching the back of his neck, alternating between looking at Beckham's face and at his feet.

'Hey,' he said, his voice as soft as ever, in Danish.
 #38960  by Beckham Wexler
Anxiety braided with relief as he noticed his husband in the distance. One can count their blessings in thinking about everything they are afraid to lose, but when one is so close to losing them blessings become a cause for unease.

Comforted by Perle's reaction he gratefully patted the dog's head. "I missed you," he told the dog though he couldn't say it without thinking about Aksel.

As for what he told Aksel, he had thought of many scenarios. It seemed none of them could convey what he felt now that he stood in front of the man he loved. The man he had betrayed. "Hey," he echoed in the language he had barely touched in the last few months. "You have been training," he noticed Aksel's broad shoulders and swollen arms. Far from the grand speeches he had prepared.
 #38961  by Aksel Larsen
Perle was a lot more demonstrative right now than either of the two men. Aksel wondered if she was acting the way he would have wanted. The way he would have done, in other circumstances. Minus some of the licking, probably.

Beckham was looking at him, and it was hard to maintain his gaze. Swallowing was hard, too. Every fiber of his being screamed contradictory things at him. Things like go to him, and things like run away. He was fit, he could run for hours if he needed.

'Yeah,' Aksel replied, his voice hoarse. He wasn't sure where that sound came from, but it seemed that it too was going to betray him. 'I don't have anything else to do anymore. How... how have you been?' It was a dumb question, he realized as soon as it passed his lips. He had been terribly, himself, and Beckham couldn't have been so much better, especially judging by the state he was in.

God, he wished Beckham would touch him. And also stay away. But mostly touch him. Everything was betraying him. His will, his body...

'Do you want to go sit down somewhere?'
 #39045  by Beckham Wexler
Complaining about his situation or even commenting on it felt petty. He had been the master of his own misery, hadn't he?

Hands in his pocket, he looked at the ground and kicked an imaginary pebble. "I haven't been doing so well," he finally admitted though he knew he was the only one to blame for that.

He nodded when Aksel suggested that they sit. He walked towards a nearby bench. Allowing Aksel the space he might want, Beck sat at the edge. "How have you been?" He returned the question though he had known the answer as soon as he had seen him.
 #39062  by Aksel Larsen
Aksel looked at the other man carefully as he responded to his question. Beckham looked rough. Tired. In ordinary circumstances, Aksel would have run his thumb along the other man's cheek. These were anything but ordinary circumstances, though, and his powerlessness tied knots in his stomach.

The pair walked to the nearest bench, and Aksel watched the other man sit down. He was sitting on the edge, and the Dane contemplated his options. After a moment's hesitation, he sat on the bench, in the middle. Perle set herself down between the two.

Aksel gave out a short, mirthless laugh. 'Bad. These have been the worst months in my life.'
 #39174  by Beckham Wexler
He had known, but he needed to hear it. To hear it and own it. He had caused the man he loved immense pain and he had no idea how to repent for his betrayal. Months of brooding on the topic and he did not feel closer to an answer.

"Do you remember when we met?" In his brooding, he always seemed to go back to that moment.
 #39178  by Aksel Larsen
Aksel looked at the pitbull rather than at the other man. She was yawning, clearly not very interested in what was going on. As far as she knew, she was with her two fathers, and that was how life should be. Lucky her, the Dane thought, to lead such an uncomplicated life. Just walks and belly scratches.

Aksel shrugged. 'I couldn't ever forget it.' They had made eyes at each other from across the student bar the engineer frequented. Or, well, Beckham had. Aksel had made brief eye contact on a number of occasions and then looked down at his glass, blushing, every single time. The English man had approached him, and they'd shared several drinks. It had gone on really badly. Aksel was too shy, didn't know what to say. After a while, they'd both decided the date could be saved if it ended in a hookup. They'd never have to see each other again. That had been a monumental flop, of course, but it had been a fun story to tell to anyone who asked how they'd come to be together.
 #39257  by Beckham Wexler
He knew they told the story similarly. They both added their personal charm to it, but it always kept the same fragrance.

"The part I never mention when I tell that story is that you saved me," he looked at his hands. It wasn't hard to feel how he had felt back then. Wallowing in pain and self-pity had been his main hobby for a few months now. "You know, I was traveling because I had just gone through a bad break up and I was desperate to escape the pain. Turns out pain follows you everywhere," he glimpsed at Aksel whom he was sure already knew as much. "Anyways," he continued, "I'd come to resort to alcohol and hooking up with strangers to numb the pain. I didn't expect you to be different. To change everything," he swallowed thickly.
 #39259  by Aksel Larsen
Aksel swallowed hard, cheeks pink as he listened to Beckham. There was nowhere to look except at the dog, and she was pretending to be taking a nap. He didn't know what to do with his hands. Mostly he really wanted to hold Beckham's hands in his own, but he forced himself to evacuate the idea.

Pain really did travel alongside you. It carried a big suitcase, and spread itself beside you, taking all the space, and leaving you small and hollow. And when it wasn't pain, it was the numbness, the grey shadow that seemed to veil even the things that used to bring him joy. He didn't know which was worse. The pain, like a punch to the gut every time he thought about it, or the numbness, that dulled his entire life.

'It was such a bad date,' Aksel replied. 'You changed everything for me too.' The Dane had always been a happy man, and his world had always been full of colour. But being with Beckham? The world had never been so vivid and beautiful.
 #39311  by Beckham Wexler
"Yes changed everything, but more importantly you saved me," he repeated for emphasis. "Aksel, I..." He shook his head as he struggled to explain the darkness that surrounded him at the time. "I was convinced, I was worth nothing and that nothing good would ever come to me."

His past relationship had been draining, dark, and frankly abusive. It had left him feeling unworthy, cynical, and cruel. "And you are simply the purest and best person that anyone could ever meet." He felt his words swell and heard the emotion cling to his voice. "I was scared of losing you and didn't want to risk it by telling you about what I am," he chocked on his emotion and shame.
Last edited by Beckham Wexler on 09 Jul 2020, 20:54, edited 1 time in total.
 #39314  by Aksel Larsen
Pink coloured Aksel's cheeks as he listened to his husband speak. He had to bite the inside of his cheeks not to say something. His first instinct had always been to go to him, to offer his comfort and love. He especially felt it in his hands, and he had to sit on them to keep them under control. He couldn't listen to his instincts right now. His instincts were stupid. Beckham's words pained the engineer. Even now, he hated to hear the other man denigrate himself. Beckham had value, and he deserved only the best. That was why it was especially painful to him. But he couldn't relent.

The compliment made it even harder. Christ. And the emotion in the other man's voice... But his own emotions were valid too, and he couldn't just forget about them just for the wizard's benefit. He needed to speak his bit.

'You didn't trust me,' Aksel said. That was what hurt the most. 'You didn't let me make my own decisions. We dated, started living together, got married, and we even moved to your country but you kept yourself hidden away from me,' he said. These weren't easy words to say. He was not used to being accusing. Even if his voice was soft, he didn't like it. 'I never lied to you. You knew all of me. Everything I am, it was yours. I trusted you. Five years, Beckham.' He rarely ever called his husband by his name. It had always been Bamse.

He raised hurt eyes towards the other man. 'Why did you not trust me? Did you think I didn't love you?' He loved Beckham so much it hurt. Even now, there was still no one he loved more. Instinctively he freed his hands to fidget with the ring on his finger. He had never taken it off.
 #39350  by Beckham Wexler
Aksel's questions felt like a twist on the knife he had planted in his heart the day he had decided to tell his husband the truth. He deserved to be asked those questions, of course, but even after weeks of them being used as tools of torture in his mind, he did not feel like he had answers.

Being called Beckham hurt the most.

"I was entirely selfish. It was not about trusting you, I simply couldn't see beyond my fear of losing you." It was not an excuse, it was his explanation. It did not make things better, it simply explained his state of mind at the time.
 #39356  by Aksel Larsen
Aksel looked at the other man in disbelief. He had started living with Beckham. He'd married him. He'd moved countries to be with him. How in the hell could his husband believe for a second he was going to lose him, when all of the Dane's actions since knowing him had been to tie himself to the wizard more and more? How?

Automatically the engineer brought his right thumb to his mouth, and started biting it, violently. He hadn't really done this before Beckham's confession, but now it had become his way of dealing with stress. He didn't care if he drew blood. He wasn't sure what to say. What was there to say, anyway? How did they go from this point? What did they do? What was the end result he was hoping for?

He didn't know what he would have done, had Beckham been upfront. It wouldn't have been an easy thing to learn, he'd figured as much.

'I didn't even get a chance,' he said. 'How much is there I don't know, Beck?'