A Magical Roleplaying Experience 

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 #28720  by Ivan Ramazanov
"Couldn't?" said Ivan, looking back at her, "Or wouldn't. Ah, my grasp of English has gotten very good, yes?" he said with a sarcastic smile,

"Because you are mistaken. I could say it. But I vould not say it if you were last woman on earth! And any man who knows you and does is biggest fool and deserves what he gets."
 #28724  by Ivan Ramazanov
"NO!" Ivan shouted back angrily, "Is because you are the biggest heart breaker I know! Is because you have slept with, or kissed, or lead on almost every man in Cleary Company!

One hand gripping the trunk of the tree as he leaned towards her, eyes almost blazing as he said in frustration, "You have slept with Simon, Hugh, Levi, me! You have flirted with and lead on Dice, Mr York, who else I don't even know! You have been engaged three times in life that I know of. You were going to have perfect little life with Mr Persky, then you break his heart, and start sleeping with his younger cousin, then this is no good for you and you run again, right into arms of his older cousin, and then? You cheat on him with me. Break things off night before wedding. You don't know vhat you vant. Why would anyone take a risk on you again when you are incapable of... of keeping yourself from running in the end? You don't even know what love is."
 #28725  by Zara Sheppard
Zara stared at him. Both rage and shock welled within her, her chest heaving as she felt the tears prick her eyes. She didn't actually have the words to retaliate. What could she even say!? He was right! But that didn't stop it from hurting. Why did it hurt so much coming from him? She knew it herself, and it didn't change any of her own thoughts, but knowing that even he recognised just how messed up she was hit her. Hard.

She folded her arms tightly, as though furious, which she was but...she felt like curling into herself. It was something to sooth her haywire emotions.

"It's a good thing I didn't mean it then." She retorted, though her words did not have nearly as much bite as they usually would. She turned to leave, but paused, shaking her head slightly. Why run? What was the point? He wouldn't care regardless.

"Y'know...just because I've made mistakes doesn't mean I don't deserve to be loved. It doesn't mean I don't feel. Maybe I don't know what love is in the most objective sense of the word...but I know it at least means to break it off with someone I care about if its what's best. It also means to love myself first...and in those relationships, I wasn't happy. I don't have to feel guilty about changing my mind. I would rather be seen as this heart-breaking monster than be driven into spiralling depression because I was too ashamed to admit I jumped too fast."

"You're right. I lead people on, I said it too quickly, I made wrong choices. Is it so wrong to be desperate to be in a loving relationship again? But more than that, is it wrong to want the right loving relationship? What's the point in even asking you, you've made it clear how you think anyway. Go be polite to someone else who started to care for you."

And with that, she turned to leave.
 #28728  by Ivan Ramazanov
At this point one might have expected Ivan to call her back, say he was sorry, tell her it was him and not her but...

Crossing his arms Ivan said, “It is wrong to be that desperate. I am not going to be the next sacrificial lamb on the alter of Zara wile you figure yourself out. I am not risking heart break on you.”

Yes, he knew he was just hammering the last nail into the coffin but... that’s what he wanted. He knew how unforgiving she could be. She did not forget easily. He did not want it to be possible for him to go back to her, say he was sorry for being so mean, and have her forgive.

The realization that he was actually falling for this woman was painful enough... But he was not going to play the fool for her.
 #28731  by Zara Sheppard
"I get it!" Zara yelled, spinning around as she glared at him. "I fucking get it! I am so unloveable - so irrational - so unwantable! Stop, just stop!"

She felt her voice breaking, cracking under the pressure of her emotions. She felt like she had so much more to say, so much anger, so much bitterness. But it felt weak and disjointed. She sniffed, bringing her sleeve up to wipe her nose as she looked away, shaking her head. She was silent for a long time, and finally placed her hands on her hips, looking away.

"I don't know how you did it. You're like a fucking disease...I barely even noticed until it was too late. Fucking scumbags, the lot of you." She waved a dismissive hand. "Why should I leave. You leave. I'm training - go do your rounds..."

She glared at him, seeming ready to swing a punch at the tree he was leaning on.

 #28733  by Ivan Ramazanov
Tears... why did she have to have tears? Now he felt bad...

In a calmer, yet firm tone he said,

“You are not un lovable Zara. Far from it. But I do not want to love you. Something I never thought vould be problem before. Yet now I could easily see you becoming my everything. But you don’t want marriage, you don’t want children, you don’t want to be tied down. So go be free...” he said, pushing himself off of the tree.

“Sleep with whomever you want. Do what you please. Just don’t be telling anyone you love them...” he said as he walked off towards Iver Hall.
 #28735  by Zara Sheppard
Zara grit her teeth tightly, forcing back the sobs. Why did she have to cry!?

"That's right! Piss off! Go back to being a cad!" She screamed after him, but as she turned back, hitting the tree with almighty wallops, her punches soon began to falter in strength. Before long, she stopped in her outrage, pressed her forehead against the bark, staring down at the roots.

"I need to do better." She whispered to herself, closing her eyes as she took long, stifled breaths. They didn't seem to satisfy her lungs with air in the way she wanted, but they did help calm her anger and frustration. Carefully, she began to slide herself down the tree to her knees, both palms on the wood and head ducked forward.

Perhaps she would be there hours, maybe more...maybe all night in her thoughts.