A Magical Roleplaying Experience 

 #37233  by Florian Dahl
 
Looking quite shocked now, Florian took a step towards her and said in disbelief, "Human experiments? Are they volunteers?"

Obviously not if it upset her, and this was truly a side of Ana he had never expected... not if she would let this go on!

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" he added in shocked disgust. "Just to get a child?"

He suddenly felt all feelings for the woman vanishing away. She was crazy...
 #37234  by Anastasiya Persky
 
Ana's eyes widened suddenly, her breath halting in her chest.

"W-what? No! I mean, yes...I don't know if they volunteered or not...maybe they signed a waiver before they died...well probably not since..." She leaned her head back on the wall, staring forward.

"They're criminals. But still human. They die from gang fights and such, and Levi takes the bodies, cadavers or whatever he says, and experiments on them. He doesn't do live experiments if that's what you think but...not that it's any better..."

But she'd already seen the look of disgust in his eyes; he was repulsed by her actions.

"Perhaps I should go now."
 #37348  by Florian Dahl
 
Florian stared back at her in surprise, then said, "What? You... Well now I want to know why the hell you would phrase it that way?" But his voice was calmer.

"Merlin Anna... I thought you meant he was experimenting on living human beings. He's experimenting on dead bodies? How did you think he got his medical knowledge?"

Florian shook his head, then said, "Look... I dont' know what this is exactly," he said with a gesture between them. "Or what you hope from me. There is a huge part of me that just wants to play along and be sympathetic, and tell you Levi is the big bad guy and I am the dream that can save you. You are sort of saying what I always wanted you to, about how you regret your choices a long time ago, about how maybe you and I were more compatible... But... truth is..."

Florian walked up to her, then stopping a few inches away he said, "You are idealizing how it was. You are idealizing your memories of me. Do you remember all the things you said about me that night in Marlow's tent? When you saved my life after I was run through. You really let me have it, sparing nothing. You explained exactly why you and I would not work out and it had nothing to with your father. I might fantasies about you running back into my arms, mostly because I am lonely and stressed about life and Andi, and everything else. But the truth is I might be different from Levi, but I am not more compatible with you. Maybe both of us were the wrong choice. Maybe you just need to stop going after men you think will change for you... that you demand change for you after they are head over heals..." Divorce Levi if you must. Then date some nice, moral, strait laced guy with an even temper that puts you first.... That's my advice," He said, looking away from her with a sigh.
 #37349  by Anastasiya Persky
 
Ana looked up at him, listening to his words. She could feel her lip quivering and had to look away as she took full notice of what he was saying. But it wasn't even a moment later that Ana had swung her arms around him, pressing her face to his neck, embracing him as though she was clinging to life itself. She felt the tears in her eyes, but closed them as though to hide them from him.

"I've loved you for a long time, Florian." She whispered into the fabric of his shirt. "I think I forgot that I first loved you as a close friend, and now the thoughts of you are fogged with uncertainty of us together. But I think you're right...we're perhaps not right together. But that doesn't mean I should continue to cling to our memories like this - and it's not that I want those memories to die, but...I just...need to make room for new memories..."

pulling back, she sniffed, unable to hide the tears on her cheeks which she abruptly wiped away with her sleeve.

"Seeing Marlowe just...I felt like I was back in that place. I was afraid, and scared and...I realise now that I didn't come back because I missed our relationship, but I miss what I used to be. I feel at times I've gone backwards...or perhaps now, I am just more aware of my ignorance and wrongdoings, and it hurts that I can't right those wrongs now. I can't take back my words, and I can't pick you over my father, and I can't emphasise the things I felt - because none of it helps. None of it will bring you or me peace; we will always feel this unresolved ending between us..."

She looked back at him, swallowing thickly.

"Or maybe this is our ending. Maybe this is finally the moment we give it the burial it deserves so that we can finally move on and be happy." She took a long breath, bringing her hands to his face and pressing her forehead to his. She steadied her breathing, trying to formulate her words. "When we were together, in this very home, dancing in your bedroom before you had to go to work, I was so certain this was it. That you was it. And maybe you are...but not in this life. Perhaps we will be together when we die. Perhaps not. But no matter what, no matter what arguments we had, you were loved. I still love you, I'm still in love with you, Florian."

She allowed her hands to drop, and she pulled back once again, her eyes averted. She shouldn't have said that, and in the past, she had quickly rebutted the words to try and recover for Levi's sake. But she let them hang in the air, along with her dignity.
 #37379  by Florian Dahl
 
Florian held her close as she threw herself into his arms, his mind going a mile a minute. He listened to her as she spoke, trying to take in her words and what she meant by them.

He could feel her brokenness, her confusion, her conflicted feelings. Did she want him to tell her what to do? But he did not know what she should do. Was this about Levi? Or her sorrow at not being able to have children?

And then she said it. She was still in love with him.

As she back up Florian ran his fingers through his hair and said, "Merlin Anna... of all times to say it. "

There was a small part of him that wanted to tell her sternly to get the hell out of his life and not talk to him again. She missed her chance!

But that was a very small part.

There was another part that thought he could definitely give this the burial that it deserved!

But that was over shadowed with the thought that he would be the one most hurt in the end.

finally he shook his head, took her by the hand, and leading her to the sofa to sit he said, "We are not doing this. We are not doing this drama. I am not about to make love to you in one last passion filled night, nor will I sent you into the dark to weep and wonder. You came here so let's fix it. That I can handle."

Taking a seat a space down from her he said, "First thing you need to do is stop playing the "what if" game. It isn't fair to you or anyone else around you. "What if" is the biggest time waster and a great deceiver. What if you had stayed with me? And what if Marlow killed you to get at me? Where would we be? A worse place. Stop playing what if. Some times you need to just make choices and stick with them. Are you unhappy with your husband? Or just unhappy you can't have children and this is ruining your marriage? You wouldn't be the first couple to have troubles in the marriage because pregnancy isn't happening. Let's say you left Levi today, then married me in a year. Then let's say in three years they came up with a cure for your condition and found you could probably have kids of your own? Happy day right? Except I don't want kids Anna. Then what? You would be miserable again. And you would be going to Levi and telling him how you wished you had stayed..."

He hoped that realization would sober her up on the spot.
 #37380  by Anastasiya Persky
 
Ana hung her head, and by the time Florian had finished speaking, she blew out a puff of air.

"Merlin, must I always go for reasonable men?" She pinched the bridge of her nose. "God, you're right."

She sniffed again, wiping under her eyes and clearing her throat.

"Y'know, life would be so much easier if there was a magic pill that could just...confirm whether i'm making good decisions. That way I wouldn't be so caught up in the 'what if' of everything..." She leaned back. "But then, where's the fun in that? In my sad little life, maybe the uncertainty is what gives me a thrill in some sick way; playing out 'what ifs' as though that's my own escape from my current problems. I should really get into some kind of romantic literature if I want to fantasise about unbelievable aspirations."

She leaned forward again, her elbows on her knees.

"Do you think I'm making my own unhappiness, Florian? Have I been doing it all this time, from even when we first met? Is it me?"
 #37446  by Florian Dahl
 
Florian’s faced screwed up in thought, but finally he said with a nod , “Yes... yes I do actually. Most of us do actually, but you have a particular brand of it I think that leaves you in a state of unrest and even anxiety. I think I see it better now that we are apart. As humans we all make mistakes. Hell... I have made a lot of them. But there is something therapeutic about owning and moving on, hopefully having learned something. But... forgive me for saying... but you sort of seem to wilfully let yourself be blindsided time and again. And when it happens enough times to one person well... you have to look at yourself as the common denominator.”

Florian looked for his glass, but it was across the room. Ah well, that was for the best. Looking back to Anna he said, “You don’t like to look at the unpleasant side of things, or a situation, or a person you want. You don’t dig, you don’t look beneath the shiny surface. Your moral code is words but little action. You take no action until other’s actions eventually pry open your eyes and force a flustered, blindsided reaction from you. And all of that? Well it is a choice in itself, now isn’t it?”

He paused, hoping this made sense to her.
 #37448  by Anastasiya Persky
 
Ana pursed her lips.

"I think you're right.I think one of the only people I ever narrowed my eyes at was Marlowe, and that's only because he was so outwardly horrible. But then, as we spent more time, he seemed more tolerable...until he suddenly wasn't. Maybe even then I was searching for a goodness within him, despite everything he had already shown us." She spoke, shaking her head.

"Perhaps...with Levi, I have been closed minded. He said he was a healer of sorts, and I took it as surface value. I never ask questions...maybe I should. Maybe I should take an interest in what he does for a living, rather than scorning him for doing it. Maybe I should try to understand it, understand him, and then I wouldn't be so inclined to my own opinions. I suppose if I still don't feel comfortable, then I will have more to go on; at least then I can say I tried. But right now...I haven't done anything as such."

She glanced up at the clock, still ticking away. A sick feeling washed over her.

"I almost don't want to go back; I've left it too late to make it a reasonable delay. He must know by now that I've been somewhere specific, or purposely travelled somewhere...another bad decision on my behalf. Visiting an ex on Valentines Day. What a catch I am." She shook her head again, sighing. "I suppose it will get worse the longer I wait, won't it?"

She began to stand, already dreading what Levi would say or ask. She selfishly hoped he had not planned anything for Valentines Day, perhaps not even remembered it at all!
 #37461  by Florian Dahl
 
But shaking his head, Florian said, "Oh no you don't..."

Sitting back on the sofa casually then he added, "You aren't coming all the way out here, interrupting my night, only to skip off into the dark the moment I say something you don't really want to think about, so you can go right back to your old problems. You already messed up your night with Levi. Take a seat and talk this out."

He then looked at her expectantly.
 #37462  by Anastasiya Persky
 
Ana blinked at him, a little taken aback by his words. A part of her wanted to scurry off to Levi regardless, hoping that it wouldn't be so bad. But, perhaps she really was running away from her problems by doing that?

Clearing her throat, she moved away, collecting up the wine and glasses and bringing them back, placing them on the coffee table and sitting back down. She looked back to him.

"Okay...what next, Mr. Dahl?" She lifted a brow, somewhat amused by his sudden determination to help her mental state.
 #37468  by Florian Dahl
 
Florian raised a brow a moment at her, then said, "You also need to look at why you chose to make yourself willfully ignorant. Maybe what you want is always right in front of you. You just don't want to admit it. Your wilful ignorance about Levi is almost laughable. It wasn't just that you vaguely knew he had some healing abilities... I blatantly told you, more then once, that you picking him over me made no sense with your so called morals when he was the owner of an international black market ring. You didn't keep from digging deeper out of ignorance. You made a choice to pretend you didn't know there was anything to think about, investigate, question yourself about. It's like with me even... everything was great about me until you started dating Levi. Then you were free to re examine everything about me you didn't like. But never during our relationship. Not really."

He tilted his head to the side a bit, then said, "You need to ask yourself if you actually believe your own standards and moral code... or if you are still just trying to be your father's little girl."
 #37470  by Anastasiya Persky
 
Ana frowned, leaning forward to poor herself a glass of wine.

"Of course I want to be father's little girl, as stupid as that sounds. But I...well..." She sighed. "He disliked Sevastian for his refusal to follow in my father's footsteps with legal positions, and he hated Nikolai for being gay, and my mother had passed so...I felt like I had to. If not then, maybe he would be convinced we were all failures."

"It's just a shame I found out the reason he hated you so much after I'd already done the damage. It was never about what was best for me, but what was best for him and his own ethics. When he approved of Levi, likely due to the financial benefit, I was so overjoyed that I barely took much else into consideration. It meant I didn't have to beg for approval from him...it was just easier..."
 #37471  by Florian Dahl
 
"But you did approve of Levi before your father knew him. My point is you pretended not to see the things that would have made you reject him. You are still not facing why you ignored these things. Why you knowingly chose to live in ignorance."

Florian sighed, then said, "Remember how I said their is freedom in owing your own mistakes? I meant it. I can give you an example. Not so long ago I chose to sleep with, then start dating, a girl much younger then me. It was a lot of fun at first. She made me feel great, helped me forget about you, made me feel wise, mature, youthful, and everything else.... But it of course ended as much of these things do. It ended horribly actually. Lot's of dramatics. I was left feeling foolish and a bit shamed. But you know what? I knew I only had myself to blame. I knew our maturity levels were off, I knew she was probably more attached to the idea of being with a wiser, older guy rather then me. I always knew we were playing the odds. And I have thoroughly kicked myself for it. But I would never say "It was because she was a veela, I couldn't help myself." Or "she seduced[/i]me" or even better, "She told me she was more mature then men her own age, so I believed her. I own that this was my stupid choice."

Florian leaned forward, picked up his glass and took a sip, then said, "You found out your criminal husband is involved in criminal activities, but you are allowing yourself to be disappointed, and concerned about him.... like you didn't already know this. Why don't we start with the fact that you are the one throwing him a curve ball and not the other way around."
 #37472  by Anastasiya Persky
 
Ana recoiled, stiffening in her seat.

"Well, I-I...it's not quite the same. See, he promised me he wouldn't experiment; it was a condition of me saying yes to the marriage and...well I..."

Yes, and then she had suddenly altered the terms and conditions because of her own selfish desires and dreams. And when he had questioned her viewpoints and hypocrisy, she had countered it with an act of betrayal, as though she was the one being blindsided.

"Okay...so perhaps it was stupid of me to ignore the fact that criminal activity really meant criminal activity. I suppose I...convinced myself that because Levi was fairly docile and pleasant, it would be easier to ignore the facts. And I also suppose I should admit to being selfish and using him to get what I want without hearing what he wants...like...like manipulating him with the idea that if he didn't, he had doomed me to unhappiness...."
 #37474  by Florian Dahl
 
"Exactly... that's better," said Florian. "and now?" he shrugged his shoulders, then said, "You have changed your mind. You didn't think it would bother you this much. You didn't think he would eventually push back for what he wanted. Fair enough. No one says you need to stay with him and be miserable. You made a bad choice. But it essentially was a choice. Even the parts you didn't know you sort of chose not to know.. and that in itself is a choice. Leave him... but don't put this on him. Or you will be forever a victim of circumstance and never know why the world isn't giving you your happy ending."

Florian took another sip of his wine, then said,

"So... are you going to leave him?"