Hogwarts Hi-"jinx": School Loses Professor
|If you have ever wanted to work for the renowned magical school, you are in luck! Former professor of Defense of Dark Arts Quirinus Quirrell seems to have fallen ill and will not be returning to Hogwarts for the upcoming new term. He is just the newest victim to the supposed jinx on the DADA position within the school. Now, no one knows for sure why misfortune falls on those brave enough to work this position.||Numerous theories have formed over the years to explain such a phenomena from a rather pervasive flesh-eating slug infestation that the school has refused to address to the local centaur population having some sort of hand in it. "The stars are not in alignment!" one Hogsmeade local was quoted saying. "The staaars!" The wizarding world now waits with bated breath for the position to be filled.|
Numerous Lockhart books going on sale this weekend
To celebrate the author's upcoming appearance, Flourish & Blotts in Diagon Alley will be having a sale on four Lockhart titles this weekend ONLY. Gilderoy Lockhart is the celebrated author of books about his brush with dark creatures and places no ordinary witch or wizard would dare to go. Stop by Flourish & Blotts starting Saturday morning to obtain your discounted copies while supplies last. Other titles will be available for purchase as well.
Young Quidditch hopefuls
Hogwarts letting out for the summer means a fresh group of Hogwarts graduates looking to continue their quidditch careers professionally. The quidditch season at Hogwarts this year was more competitive than others. House lines were clearly drawn in the sand and there was little mercy for one's opponent. But with the IQA's draft coming up, these newcomers will have to look past their house colors and learn to work with their Hufflepuff classmates whom weren't too popular with their fellow Ravenclaws. Still, this year's crop of draftees looks more promising than last. The British League should see some pretty good games this next season.
Letter to the Editor
Dear editor of the Daily Prophet, or whoever owns this... publication,
My husband and I have been loyal subscribers to your publication for the past seventy-five years, and we were always very supportive of the administrative decisions your team has made, until about five years ago. The Daily Prophet isn't like it used to be in my childhood, and my husband says it's not even bloody worth wiping your arse with anymore, if you'll excuse his French.
And frankly, I must agree! We are both appalled at the dwindling quality of your newspaper. It started out with a dramatic change in paper colour (we liked the old one better), and then you went ahead and changed the typeface! How dare you! Now we must endure your terrible journalism sans serif! This is shocking, and I am afraid we find ourselves no longer willing to pay for the Daily Prophet, and would much rather read a nice publication like the Quibbler, which, despite its other potential faults, at least writes with serif.
#504 For Hire - Wizarding Expedition Society • We are seeking an individual that has a vast amount of knowledge on Dragon Dung! We are looking at expanding our greenhouses and that means more fertilizer! Anyone that can list the different components of dragon dung and it’s uses in fertilizer should apply. ([Apply Now!])
#510 For Hire - Lorbach Farms • We are currently seeking an individual interested in caring for our goats. We have such a large flock that needs looked after so we would like to have someone experienced with dealing with farm animals. If you have the patience and desire to expand on creature breeding, this would be a perfect starting point! ([Apply Now!])
#513 For Hire - Zonko's Joke Shop • For this position, you need to enjoy the quirks of a good joke, as you will be responsible for testing and confirming the quality of our sold goods. Think you’re kid enough to play all the games and test all the jokes? ([Apply Now!])
Contributions to this issue were made by [Damian], [Alex], and two anonymous members.
To view all current news submission openings, [click here].